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Anti-Bucket List

An anti-bucket list: the things you hope to never do before you die. Well, in this case things I hope to never do before I die….

1.) Get in a fight.

I know this seems like a silly or weird one, but it’s true. I don’t like fighting and I’m actually really calm, and don’t see the point?? Not to mention I don’t know how to fight and only know what I’ve seen in kung fu movies. I am not skilled at all so if there were ever a time where it were to happen I would not be able to do what Jackie Chan, or Bruce Lee have done there whole life. Not to mention I would look really stupid attempting to try it anyways.

2.) Break any bones.

I’m such a wimp when it comes to pain. I’m always afraid I’m going to break something not to mention I’m such a clutz that it feels like it’s only a matter of time before I break anything.

3.) Have a one night stand.

Notice this is something I hope to NEVER do. Call me old fashioned but I like the whole idea of liking someone, and falling for them. Not a hit it and quit it type of thing. I guess you could say I’m a hopeless romantic…why deny it? It’s true. I like the idea of getting to know someone. Besides, doing the “deed” I think is something special and shouldn’t be given to just anyone. I know I know some of you may be rolling your eyes, but I know secretly and deep down…..deep, DEEP down you might agree with me. : P

4.) Stop being a kid at heart.

This probably sounds like a weird one. But I’m a kid at heart. I like acting silly sometimes (at appropriate times of course). A lot of us grow old not physically but mentally as well. A lot of us are dealt with the need to grow up fast for whatever reason, and we just need to know it’s okay to be a kid sometimes. For example, I like watching cartoons and it doesn’t matter if I’m 12, 22, or 42 years old. I like acting odd for no reason with people I know or even don’t know. I could dance randomly like no one’s watching when they really are. Even if it’s like a harmless prank is fine with me. I could be growing old I just don’t want my heart to be.

5.) Die alone.

Now this might sound desperate but it’s really not. It could be where I’ve had someone and then we’re not together anymore. I just want to think that I’ve had a chance to live my life fully and had a chance to go out, and had a boyfriend (or even) get married. I know life works in mysterious ways, but I want the chance to have had a boyfriend even if it didn’t work out with them. Just the experience alone is enough for what I’m saying. Knowing I lived and had what surprisingly a lot of people haven’t had but crave.

6.) Get a cavity.

Again with me being a whimp when it comes to pain. I can’t take it. I’ve never had a cavity and I always hope that I never get one whenever I go to the dentist. I’m not going to lie, I’m proud that I’ve never gotten a cavity and I hope I can say that I’ve never had one and I hope I never get one.

7.) Try/Do Drugs.

I know I’m a square, but I don’t care. Heh that rhymed, okay sorry back to business. I like that I’m a goody-two-shoes and yes I’m proud of it. I never wanted to try and I don’t want to try it at all. I’ve seen what happens to certain family members and I don’t like the outcome of it. Not to mention I find no purpose for it, and don’t need it to look “cool” for some people. I know some might be like aren’t you curious to see what they taste like? At least one? Well, the answer is pretty simple: no. Curiosity killed the cat—or in this case maybe drugs who knows….

8.) Stop acting/doing what I love.

Now this is a true one for me that not everyone can agree with. I love acting whether on stage or film. I don’t ever want to think about stopping what I love to do. It’s something that I always want to do for the rest of my life, and I can’t think about stopping. I know we all have that one career we’re passionate about and one that we can’t stop hoping we’ll get, or hoped to get when we’re older. I’ve heard people ask someone, “Oh what did you want to be when you were older? Or could see your self doing?” I want to tell them, “I’m doing it.”

Well, that’s my Top 8. What would be your top 8 for the Anti-Bucket list? Would you have an Anti-Bucket list? Try it and see sometimes it’s just fun to see what you wouldn’t do, or think of doing.

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Whatever Happens

You know what’s funny? One day your life could be going perfect, or even just fine when suddenly ‘Wham!’ you’re hit with a road block and you suddenly don’t know what to do. That’s life for you. Sometimes these road blocks happen to the people we care most about and we can’t do anything but watch it happen.

It also happens so fast that it practically blinds you. A couple days ago I got told that my godfather has thyroid cancer. I’m not much of a fighter but this is one of those times where I wish I could kick cancers ass. (Excuse my language if you happen to be young and reading this.) I haven’t seen him since I found out he had it. Now they’re saying that the cancer spread faster and farther than they thought and that he only has a few days to live.
Talk about ripping off the band-aid fast to make it hurt less (it doesn’t btw). I know I should go see him, but my mom is saying that he is saying good-bye to everyone that visits him, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I already tear up just thinking about it. I’m not ready…..

I honestly want to forget it’s even happening, but in reality it’s happening, whether I want to acknowledge it or not. I don’t know what to do to be honest. A part of me wants to go to see him…..one last time, but another part doesn’t want to see him. I can’t I’m weak when it comes to this sort of stuff. If he’s already saying good-bye does that mean he’s giving up? Is it bad if I haven’t given up hope? I don’t know I’m conflicted at the moment and sadly, I only have a few days to make a decision.

I really wish the doctors would be wrong and that he makes it through. It pains me I can’t even describe what my aunt and cousins are going through. (His wife and kids) He’s too young to have cancer, but that’s the bad thing about cancer. It doesn’t care who they hit or what age it hits someone.

This happened to my aunt once too. (Not the same one I’ve been talking about) but my aunt had breast cancer and now she’s not with us anymore. It’s been almost ten years, but it doesn’t make it any less painful, and now cancer is at it again. These are one of the things I wish went away.

It was only a short amount of days that they had said he had it. Now they’re saying they can’t do anything about it. I just feel like they could do so much more than what they are saying they are. I feel like they’re just quitting on us and not even trying. I know I’m being irrational and that’s not true, but that’s honestly how I feel right now. Is that a normal feeling?

I know it’s not the same at all because I don’t have it (thank goodness) but it still hurts because he’s family and my godfather, it doesn’t make it any less painless. I’m honestly trying to be strong but I’m failing miserably I’ll tell you now.
I really hope there’s a miracle that happens, but everybody that got cancer in my family never made it. But there’s always a possibility…right?

I at least have someone to talk to. Besides, you guys, which don’t get me wrong I love you guys. I have my family and my cousins to talk to as well. The ones who are going through it as well, and the ones who aren’t. It’s crazy what brings a family together isn’t it? It shouldn’t always be like that though. We shouldn’t get together only when something extreme or bad happens. For the most part though my family is close but we still have times like this where we get together if something drastic happens I’m not going to lie.

I know that no matter what happens though my uncle will not be forgotten, just like my aunt. Whether it’s talking about them and the great feeling they brought to people, or whether I’m writing it here so others can read it and be thought of, or could relate to. Either way they are being thought of. No matter what happens I’ll make sure that my nina (godmother) and my cousins are okay. I’m not letting anything bad happen to them. If I could tell my uncle anything it would be that. He doesn’t need to worry because we’ll take really good care of them. We love them all so much and we’re family, and family sticks together through thick and thin. All my life I’ve been taken care of by my parents and my second parents (my god parents) and now I think it’s my turn that I pay that back. That I take care of them now. Not just my cousins but my aunt as well.That you don’t have to worry about it anymore and that you don’t have to be strong for oursake, or theirs. I’ll be okay, and I know in time so will my aunt and cousins. You’ve always been strong and took care of the family. Now we’re taking care of you, and we have to be the strong ones. I promise uncle, I hope it doesn’t come to that and you survive, but know that they will never be alone and always be taken care of.

“People like us we’ve got to stick together, keep your head up nothing lasts forever..” -Kelly Clarkson “People Like Us”

        Bullying is done for many different reasons that sometimes the victims have no idea why they would be bullied.  No one wants to admit that they are a victim to bullying. I was a victim when I was younger. I would dread going to school and when I was there I couldn’t wait to go home.

         I remember being in elementary school and just trying to make friends that I would hang out with the wrong kind of friends. Luckily though I’m the type of person who knows right from wrong and can’t make me do anything that I don’t want to.

         I remember in my school we would have this thing called a catch store which is just a little store in the cafeteria that has little toys for the kids that only comes out once a week and you can only get something with a certain number of catches. Catches are just little strips of colored paper that if you save up you can get a small notebook, or pencil etc. that you’ve wanted. You can only get catches if the child has been good.

         Anyways, I remember going to the catch store and getting this pencil with a Queen Amadela eraser that I’ve wanted. I finished my lunch and put my pencil in my lunch pale and put my lunch pale on my class number in front of the class and went to recess.

          When I came back I looked for my lunch pale and couldn’t find it anywhere. One of my “friends” told me that they saw someone take my lunch pale to the girls bathroom but she didn’t tell me who.

        I asked the teacher if I could go check and when I did I found my lunch pale opened, and in the toilet. It was a broken toilet too since it wouldn’t stop flushing. I remember just staring at it. Can’t really remember what I was thinking at the time or if I was thinking of anything.

          I remember reaching into the flushing toilet to grab my lunch pale and when I pulled it out the only thing they left was my apple. They had taken my pencil with the Queen Amadela eraser that I had worked so hard to get. Of course bullies don’t care about those kinds of things though. At least I don’t think they do.

          I remember my teacher telling the kids in my class that she was going to find out who had done it and the kid(s) who did it were not going to go unpunished. A week later it was forgotten.

       I probably should have said something. I regret it now that I didn’t speak up to remind the teacher. I honestly can’t tell you why I didn’t tell her. I guess I figured since an adult couldn’t really solve the problem what could a child do?

 

–**–

 

       I’m not saying this for you to pity me. I don’t like pity. I’m just saying that I know what it feels like to get bullied so for those who think they are alone. You’re not. There is always someone going through (or who went through) the same thing that I did unfortunately.

       People (mostly adults) will tell you to either talk to a teacher and let them know. Well, for me I tried to talk to a teacher, and a principle and neither of them did anything. Which is why I never told my parents. Maybe they would have done something, maybe they could only do so much. The point is I asked help from two adult figures that I thought were supposed to help me fix the problem and make me feel safe. Since it didn’t happen I thought it couldn’t be fixed and it wasn’t worth telling anyone else.

       Being bullied can result in the victim becoming the bully themselves to others, can cause the child to be depressed and quiet, to become the class clown (so they won’t get teased anymore and will make it seem like they will tease themselves before they get teased), anger and more. I was the depressed and quiet one.

        I’m 22 years old and I’m still not fully over it. I guess one really doesn’t. My bully hasn’t changed and I doubt they would. I did meet the person who once bullied me and it turns out that she knew exactly who I was and exactly what she did. She asked me if I remember her (and she was laughing while she said it) I just looked at her and casually said yes and shrugged and walked away.

       I know some might be thinking like why didn’t you lie and say you didn’t remember her?! Well, some part of me wants her to see how far along I’ve come even with everything she’s done. Or I want her to know that I know what she’s done but I’m not going to be bullied anymore by her like I was when I was a child. I’m just not going to play into her mind games anymore. If she starts playing I’m going to walk away. It might not be the first thing I’d want to do but it would be the hardest and definitely the most rewarding.

      There are those rare ones that do change though and realize how mean they were. I always wonder if they remember the kids that they bullied when they were younger. Some might and some might not. Like my bully remembered me while others I’ve heard of either didn’t remember or didn’t want to remember.

       My bullying got so bad that I was depressed and suicidal thoughts had entered my mind. I’m not proud of it now but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t happen. My cousins noticed I was depressed. We’re close so she knew how I acted and knew that I wouldn’t tell her what was going on. (remember I’m a kid who thought nobody could help me anymore since the adults couldn’t) So what she did was she gave me a composition notebook and told me to write.

 

–**–

 

      She didn’t care what I wrote. She told me I could write about my day, I could write poems, stories etc., but she did tell me she wanted me to write in it everyday. So, I did.

      I discovered something that I never would have discovered if it wasn’t for my cousin. I loved writing. I would make all these stories up and poems or song lyrics and stuff like that. I still do. I also turned to acting and photography.

     I’m currently writing a book and I’m hoping once it’s finished it’ll get published. I read one of my poems in an open mic night and people said how much they really enjoyed it.

     With acting I’ve always loved it but now I don’t care what people say about me. Especially, in this business people are always going to talk. The only difference is that it doesn’t matter to me anymore what they say. I’ve been in a commercial and an infomercial as well as on youtube. I’m hoping to get into film one day.

     With photography I discovered I had a talent. I loved taking pictures and I loved the effort it took to develop the photos as well. I entered my photo in a photo contest and I was one of the top people to get mentioned and my picture was in the gallery slide show.

    My point with what I’m saying is not to gloat. It’s to show that I took all my depression and quiet and turned into something I liked and could work with. I have to thank my cousin big time for getting me into writing as it’s one of my hobbies now. I might have gone on with the suicide if I didn’t deal with it or channel it into something else.

    For me it was Acting, Photography, and Writing. I can see myself doing all of these things for the rest of my life. For you it could be something else. You might discover you had a talent you never would have thought if you didn’t try. Don’t let bullying stop you from doing what you want. Find something to deal with it, you might be a great artist one day, a great author, actor, singer, a teacher, you might even create something one day.

    My point is I realize that I was one of the lucky ones that didn’t listen to my suicidal thoughts at the time. Now I’m not suicidal and my depression lessened a lot. I discovered three of my hobbies and I found out I’m pretty good at it. You just need to find out what you’re good at and channel it there.

    Talking to someone is important but if you just can’t seem to put it into words find another way to do it, just like I did.

Being a hoarder myself I know how hard it could be to clean up and throw away your old stuff thinking that we might need in the future, or not wanting to throw something away just because it’s a bad habit. Here are 5 tips to help with hoarding.

 

            Tip#1: Bring someone to help

 

  Throwing stuff away could be the hardest thing to do for us hoarders, so bring a friend to help you make decisions about what to throw away and what not. Make sure they are strict and not a hoarder as well, or else you’d get no where in the cleaning process.

 

            Tip#2:  Have labels

           

            Knowing what you want to keep and what will be in the recycle bin or thrown away. Have boxes with labels like important papers, games, movies etc. Give yourself one box for each label so you will have no choice but to narrow it down to only keep whatever you can fit in that box, and everything else will have to either be thrown away, recycled, or given away.

 

            Tip#3: Be realistic

 

            One of the bad things about hoarders are that they will make anything have sentimental value, either that or think that the object they have could possibly be used later on. Be realistic in what you will actually use, or not use. If you have a lot of jewelry sort out the ones you actually use, and the ones you haven’t used in the last five to ten years at least, and the ones you haven’t you can throw away, give it away, or sell it.

 

            Tip#4: Be strict

 

            Have a place where you can have all your extra stuff that you ABSOLUTELY don’t want to throw away, or sell etc. Limit yourself to one box and only keep the extra things you want in there, and put whatever fits in there, and the rest that don’t you have no choice but to throw away, or give it away.

 

            Tip#5: and lastly be organized.

 

            It won’t do you any good if you clean stuff out but you won’t put them away neatly. It would really help if you would organize your things in sections. If you have papers organize them by blank papers, important papers, school papers etc., or if it’s movies or CD’s make sure make sure they’re in sections in a box or whatnot. There really is no point in cleaning up and throwing stuff away if it doesn’t look any different from last time.  But if you work with messy then who am I to judge??

 

            It takes time when cleaning and throwing stuff away, but it can be done. After this is done the only problem you’re going to have is keeping it that way, and not having to repeat the hoarding and keeping things that don’t need to be kept. Keep in mind it takes time trying to keep it like that and get out of being a hoarder.

New Years could be a stressful time especially, when you feel the need to bring a date to a party especially if it is a family party and everyone else brings a date but you. (Not that that’s happening to me or anything…..) Here are some tips you can do to make New Years Eve a fun experience.

 

    Tip#1: Bring a friend.

       This person can be a best friend, or a friend that you hang out with and have become close with. Make sure you tell them that you are going just as friends so you both don’t feel the pressure of having to act like a couple. (Unless of course you want to be more than friends) Make sure this is a close friend because there will most likely be dancing, interacting, bad singing, and just goofing off so make sure you feel comfortable with that person. If your family is anything like mine then prepare them that your family might give them a small “interview” trying to see if you guys really are just friends and trying to scare them off, or at least intimidate them.

 

    Tip#2: Can do what you want

        Just like it says here. On New Years you can do whatever you feel like doing. There is no worrying about what your partner wants to do and having to compromise, and when to do it. Who’s to say that you don’t meet someone that day? You’re already single so you could get your flirt on and who knows that might be a start of something, and if not it was fun flirting with them for that day, and if you both agree you might get their phone number. 😉

 

    Tip#3: Stay at home

        Okay, this one might sound sad and lonely but it doesn’t have to be. You can stay at home and watch any movie or movie marathon you’ve been dying to see by yourself and couldn’t before, and you finally have some time, and peace and quiet to do it. Or you can invite your other friends who are also single and make a party of your own as well, where you watch movies and raid who’s hotter Channing Tatum or Jospeh Gordon-Levitt (unless you like girls then insert which ever ones you like) that are in the movie you are watching. Unless you want to go out at a restaurant and hang out with your single friends to meet other single people then that works to.

 

     Tip#4:  Plan a trip

         Take a trip to go visit family members that you haven’t seen a while. It would be a nice change of events and no stress about meeting random strangers. Or you can even plan a trip to a country that you wanted to go for a while now. How would it be to stay at places like London, or Italy and just stay there for a couple of days. Sure they might be “romantic” places but who knows you might find a English or Italian hottie that you can spend your time with, or just enjoy the beauty of the place. Your choice.

 

       I hope these are a few ideas you could use this New Years Eve that will make being single a little more bearable.

 

That’s all for now.

   –A writeratheart.